For years, I’ve been afflicted with a disorder that I’m certain others also fall victim to. This malady, while not overtly serious, can cause others around you to stare in wonderment, become perplexed and feel cheated out of time spent with you.
I have always had a love of food. However, as a youngster, my palate was not fully developed and I was unaware of the myriad of flavors, aromas and textures that lovely cuisine could offer to me. As I grew into adulthood, my palate began to mature. Before long, I wanted to devour everything in sight, not just with my mouth but with as many of my senses as I could manage—my eyes, my fingertips, and my olfactory sense.
Then, as a woman fully grown, others in my presence began to notice a strange phenomenon taking place. My husband was the first to mention it, and while the condition was extreme I was unaware that it was occurring.
We would be dining out at a restaurant and deep in conversation.
Suddenly, the conversation would cease as a waiter, seemingly moving in slow motion, began to walk past our table, taunting me with a tray of beautiful aromatic food. I would move into a-whole-nother dimension—a parallel universe, as it were—while staring at the food as it slowly passed by. The only sounds to reach my ears would be the sizzling of whatever luscious dish was on that tray. Once the food was out of my line of vision, life would return back to normal . . . as if nothing had ever happened.
MAARTEN: “Baby, how was your day today?”
ME: “It was great! I ran into Sylvia. I haven’t seen her for almost three years.”
MAARTEN: “What’s she up to?”
VALERIE: “You would not believe what’s going on in her life! She’s about to leave for—”
Suddenly, the conversation would cease as a waiter, seemingly moving in slow motion, began to walk past our table, taunting me with a tray of beautiful aromatic food. I would move into a-whole-nother dimension—a parallel universe, as it were—while staring at the food as it slowly passed by. The only sounds to reach my ears would be the sizzling of whatever luscious dish was on that tray. Once the food was out of my line of vision, life would return back to normal . . . as if nothing had ever happened.
VALERIE: “—the Congo for five years to do research on the gorillas. You know she left her cheating husband. Blah blah blah . . .”
And on and on I would chatter, totally unaware of my momentary break from reality.
It soon came to pass that this began to occur more often. I couldn’t control it. How could I? I was barely aware that it was happening!
One night, while out at dinner with a friend, I zoned out once again. She had never had the misfortune to bear witness to this sight. A couple of days later, it happened again. Timidly, for fear of hurting my feelings, she asked me if she had done something to offend me because I had twice suddenly just stopped talking.
That’s when I knew something had to be done.
This invasive affliction now has a name.
Won’t you join me in finally coming out of the closet? Say it with me now:
“My name is ______[fill in blank______ and I suffer from F.O.O.D.™”
What is F.O.O.D.™? Food Ocular Obsessive Disorder™. And thanks to my tireless research and the U.S. Patent & Trademark Office, the secret is out!
Don't be ashamed — now you too can show the world that you aren’t afraid to admit you suffer from F.O.O.D. ™
To help you take that all-important first step, I am developing a line of t-shirts that you can proudly wear. There will be a limited first-run, with more styles to follow. In the coming weeks, you will have an opportunity to order your very own F.O.O.D. ™ t-shirt (see the first design imprint available below) available in S, M, L, and XL.
Stand up and show the world that you can overcome the ravages of F.O.O.D. ™ while still enjoying it! Spread the word . . . let others know. You can overcome this!
T-shirts will be available for sale soon!
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